Friday, September 3, 2010

inner turmoil

Can I just say, life is a bitch.  I hate the curve balls its throws at poor little innocent people.  I hate how life makes you question things you thought you already knew.  I hate how life blurs the line between wrong and right until all you have is a smudge that you don't know what to do with.  I hate how I prove people's sterotypes of women correct.  I hate how much I careHow do you stop caring?

I know you all have no clue what I'm really talking about and I wont go into it, I just need a place to get this out.

Inner turmoil.  How can months go by and the same thing happen again and again? How can I break free of this vicious cycle that holds me in its grip.  I am so tired of causing pain.  This is not the person I set out to become.  And it freakin' hurts.


I never wanted to be one of those girl's who couldn't make up her mind.  I never wanted to be wishy-washy and go back and forth never really choosing and making up excuses.

How do you choose between two things that are both so important to you.

I was posed a question yesterday.  Close your eyes.  Which of these things can you not see your life without? 

That's a big question.  A hard question.  What if I don't want my life without either?
Too bad.  I'm an adult.  I can't keep playing around with these things.  I have to make a choice.

The truth is, I have been making things way too complicated for myself.  It's my own fault.  When you have a taste of something you want, its hard to say no.

So all-in-all the decision wasn't actually the hard part.  It's the aftermath of the decision that is the real challenge.  But I'm determined to stand by it.  I have to.

Monday, August 30, 2010


I read cheesy romances.  The ones where people meet and fall in love and live happily ever after, with some steamy bits here and there in between.

I like to think that maybe, somewhere, someone has experiences like that.  I like to avoid reality.  I'm pretty lame, I guess, but those books are my getaway.  I need them to keep me sane.  To keep me hopeful.  I need an escape from bills and dirty diapers and drool and hair that may or may not have been brushed in the past two days...

Otherwise, I'd probably go crazy, though some would say I already have.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Every woman's favorite topic..

(.. Or maybe second favorite, behind her kids if she has them.)


Clothes and I have a love/hate relationship. For instance, I put of a perfectly good outfit...walk around in it for a few minutes...confirm with my husband or someone ("hello Mr. Next Door Neighbor, how do you think this top looks? Do these flip flops match?") that it looks okay...and then go take the outfit off and start the whole process over again.

This has increased tenfold since having a baby. My main concern these days is "is this appropriate for a mom to wear?" I never wanted to be like this. I didn't think my wardrobe would be affected in aspects other than size issues after my pregnancy.

Don't get me wrong, I don't wear mom jeans. Yesterday the husband and I were having a lunch date. I put on a denim skirt and nice black tee and asked him how I looked. "great" was his reply. I made him use my phone to take a picture. Then I looked at the picture and immediately changed. The skirt was just TOO SHORT, in my mind at least, no one on the streets would have looked twice, but I just felt really uncomfortable.

I think when you become a mom (or at least it is this way for me) your whole idea of "appropriate" changes considerably.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Peace, please?

Today's post is written with a baby on my lap because he has decided to stay up late tonight.  I don't really mind.  Perhaps this means he will sleep longer...
Okay, that was obviously wishful thinking.

My topic for today?
The little things that mean so much once you become a mom.  And I'm not talking about the cutesy things.  I'm talking about the real things that we all think but may not mention.  Here is my list so far.

1.) Pooping in peace.
Once you become a mom, your personal time is very very limited.  This includes bathroom duties.  I don't know about you but I rushed bathroom break is never very satisfying.  I look forward to bed time and nap times so that I can go to the bathroom in peace.
2.) Having two hand free.
The other day I had to make meatballs one-handed.  While holding a 16lb baby in the other.  When you become a mom your ability to double task grows exponentially.
3.) Having a meal.
I don't mean a snack.  I want a real meal.  Jacob is almost four months old and I still haven't had a real meal again yet.  I miss not having to stop-and-go eat, not having to reheat, not having my snow cone melt, not having to grab things out of the hands of a reaching babe. 
4.) Drool free moments.
These are the most few and far between.  I live in a constant state of moisture.  Ew.
5.) No surprise poop discoveries.
I can't tell you how much surprise poop I find.  Not on my son, on me.  It is a rude awakening to be innocently eating a cookie and notice poop on your hand.  Or to be out in public and notice a smear on your jeans. 

This is my list so far. I'm sure I will think of more things to add, but it's a little difficult to type with this kiddo reaching for my fingers as they move.  Cute, but difficult.  The moral of my story, however, is that having a child makes me appreciate the little things, both cutesy and not, so much more.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Leave him be!

I love my grandmother.  I really really do.  I promise.  But she drives me insane.
Today I took her to her doctors appointment.  She came over to our apartment first to keep an eye on Jacob (our 16 week old son) while I tidied up the house.  From the moment she gets within 10 feet of Jacob her whole demeanor changes.

"Ooooooo! How is Granny's IDDLE MAN?"

This provokes a sigh from the mother of the 'iddle man.'
My main issue is that she can never just let him be.  She has to have his undivided attention the entire time she is around him.  The.  Entire.  Time.  She even wants to sit in the back seat with him despite my protests of "Granny, he's fine, he's just playing with his hanging toy."

After a visit with my grandma, Jacob is always over stimulated and cranky because Mommy is just not as determined to entertain him.  I know how much she enjoys spending time with him so for the most part I just hold my tongue.  And count the seconds until bedtime.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Something to say

I have always wanted a blog but never started one due mainly to lack of confidence.  Isn't that silly?  I am afraid to look pathetic on the internet.  Well, the first step is admitting you have a problem so now I will move on to conquering that problem. 

I am never truly convinced that I really have anything to say.  The fact is, I am a SAHM.  That is short hand for 'stay at home mom' for those who are uneducated in the acronym department.  I am a SAHM and I don't think I am very good at it.  Oh, I'm great at the 'stay' part - not being at work is amazing for me. And I'm great at the 'mom' part - being with my son is overwhelmingly precious to me.  Its the 'home' part that throws me off.  I am a terrible housewife.  I abhore cleaning.  In fact, my passion is not cleaning.  If they gave out an award for not cleaning, I'd win it everytime.  Even now I am typing this in the few moments I have between baby bedtime and mommy bedtime instead of cleaning.

So (avoiding the topic of my terrible house-wifery skills) how do you start a blog?  Obviously you go to a website, sign up and then you start writing.  I have done that.  I have accomplished that much.  I guess my next step should be to explain my blog title?  I figured that the title should be something that is near and dear to me, a huge part of my life.  And that would be...(drumroll please..) breastfeeding.  you will come to realize that I am obsessed with breastfeeding.  So if you don't like boobs, please don't hesitate to find a less boob oriented blog.  Breastfeeding is what I do most each day.  More than I would actually like to if I'm being totally honest.  But it is an amazing experience to share with my son.  And so my blog title comes from a quote I found when I typed into my search engine "breastfeeding quotes".  (I wonder how many people have typed that into a search engine..)

Here is the quote:
"...a little child, born yesterday,
A thing on mother's milk and kisses fed..."
-Hymn to Mercury (one of the Homeric Hymns [translated])

Now I'm not familiar with Homeric Hymns and such, but I fell in love with those two lines.  They paint an amazing picture in my mind of comfort and love and nourishment and that is what I am able to offer my son.
That is what I want to always offer him, though the nourishment may become emotional or spiritual, rather than of his body...

And that's my story.  Remember the few moments between baby bedtime and mommy bedtime I mentioned earlier? Yeah, those are over.