Friday, September 3, 2010

inner turmoil

Can I just say, life is a bitch.  I hate the curve balls its throws at poor little innocent people.  I hate how life makes you question things you thought you already knew.  I hate how life blurs the line between wrong and right until all you have is a smudge that you don't know what to do with.  I hate how I prove people's sterotypes of women correct.  I hate how much I careHow do you stop caring?

I know you all have no clue what I'm really talking about and I wont go into it, I just need a place to get this out.

Inner turmoil.  How can months go by and the same thing happen again and again? How can I break free of this vicious cycle that holds me in its grip.  I am so tired of causing pain.  This is not the person I set out to become.  And it freakin' hurts.


I never wanted to be one of those girl's who couldn't make up her mind.  I never wanted to be wishy-washy and go back and forth never really choosing and making up excuses.

How do you choose between two things that are both so important to you.

I was posed a question yesterday.  Close your eyes.  Which of these things can you not see your life without? 

That's a big question.  A hard question.  What if I don't want my life without either?
Too bad.  I'm an adult.  I can't keep playing around with these things.  I have to make a choice.

The truth is, I have been making things way too complicated for myself.  It's my own fault.  When you have a taste of something you want, its hard to say no.

So all-in-all the decision wasn't actually the hard part.  It's the aftermath of the decision that is the real challenge.  But I'm determined to stand by it.  I have to.